And the really frightening thing is that they are everywhere. Like those small roaches that infest homes when people don’t take care to clean. And they spread out like a contagion, making you wonder: if I’m around a looney for too long, can I catch it?” Sadly, if we take even a grain from the Nature/Nurture argument of our fine friends in the Psychology department, then yes – there most likely is that chance. After all, that which you surround yourself with…
And there are all sorts, from the type that blatantly himself in third person making you wonder, “Are you insane?” to the type that mumbles and laughs at herself when you’re alone in an elevator making you think, “Omigod, omigod, omigod”. But it’s the subtle signs of mental disorder that freak me out the most.
Take for example the woman that called in to the radio station this morning. She wanted the DJs’ help her connect with a man she had only had one date with. She really wanted to hook up with him again, but she also needed to tell him there was a chance she was pregnant.
When they get the gentleman on the phone, it’s obvious the poor bastard is afflicted with FullOfHimself disease. He tells the DJs that he is in a longterm relationship, living with his son and baby mama.
Then, Crazy pops on to the line, totally freaking the guy out. He hears her voice and immediately gets all jacked up, stating that she’d been pestering him for days and had finally found a way to get a hold of him. Of course. Crazy people WILL find you. They are more impressive than the CIA.
At the mention that she has something to tell him, he retorts, “What, that you love me?” And when the announcement is ‘no, I might be pregnant’, it’s like he’s been busted with an illegal kilo. But, here’s the kicker: she hasn’t taken a test yet and feels that they should do it together. Uh-huh. Feelin’ the freak in this girl yet? She has, of course, heard him mention that he'd crept out on another woman to be with her.
He is quick to decline that invitation and states to her and the radio show that while he’s not interested in anything with her, if she is pregnant, he will do whatever it takes to provide for the child and be a good dad. Bravo (golf clap), Good Samaritan, bravo. (Um…way to do something to try and repair your dignity since the whole city now knows your rather unique name and that you’ve cheated on your current girl and weren’t even responsible about it).
He goes on to repeatedly blather about how this is all a big mistake, he’s got to do a lot of damage control, he does not want to have a relationship with her, blah, blah, blah.
Her ready response to all this is, “Well, you never know, this could all turn out to be something great.” Wait…what? Did you not hear him just say he has cheated on someone else and doesn’t even like you, you Jack Wagon?
The DJs ask her if she knows for sure, to which the answer is no. They ask if she has taken a test or gone to the doctor; another no. She offhandedly mentions she’s a week late. But she has a ‘feeling’ that she’s pregnant. She also says that she might have told him that she wanted to get pregnant when they were together. Hmmmm…no longer a mystery on why he hasn’t called back.
Then the DJs start taking calls and people are speculating that she’s lying, that she’s making it all up, that he shouldn’t have stepped out on his girlfriend that way. And while all these are good points, I can’t help but wonder: HELLO! Did anyone assimilate that she’s a STALKER who lost her mind in the parking lot of life? And if by some off chance she does give birth, this poor baby is going to grow up knowing that his momma is not right and that there’s a chance he might not be right either. Hell, it’s recorded for him to hear once he’s of age to understand.
Good Southern folk know that the best defense is to keep your crazy to yourself. Because it can come back to bite you on the butt over and over again. And if you’re unlucky enough to have earned the wrath of someone less balanced than you? Well, Crazy-karma is the absolute worst kind to create. But it is usually the quickest way to learn the lesson.
