My Monday started out like any other day:
- Lag for work - check
- Trip over dogs and release a string of colorful language - check
- Stare blankly in to fridge while trying desperately to remember why it's open - check
- Start car but forget it's still locked; crack fingernail on door handle when it doesn't open - check
- Forget something and go back in to the house - check...check...check.
By the time I pulled in to the Starbucks drive-thru I was practically crying with the anticipation of my first shot of cool caffeine. Starbucks has a new size called Trenta and it's basically a Super Duper Grande. I was so excited. I figured after the morning I'd had, I could excuse a minor indulgence in my day by grabbing the largest sized anything that the coffeehouse had.
The cutest little voice came over the speaker, all cheery and amped out on espresso shots, for sure.
"Welcome to Starbucks, what can I make for you today?"
I was already smiling. "Do you guys have the Trenta?"
"Yes, of course we do."
"Great. Can I get a Trenta Iced Chai, please?"
"Ohhh." She sounded like someone had a just taken her puppy away. "I'm sorry, we only serve iced coffee or iced tea in our Trenta size."
The dumbness of the statement struck me with enough force to render me speechless. While I stammered about with "umm...but...I thought..." and desperately searched the menu for some kind of clue to help me regain my senses, all I could really think is how thankful I was that there wasn't a camera recording my clumsy attempt at facial expressions and response.
Knowing I wouldn't be able to shut up the little voice in my head that was screaming, "but the chai IS a tea and I want it over ice, you twit!", I settled for a Venti size instead.
Sipping gleefully at my beverage, thinking it was probably best I didn't end up with the larger, I was certain that my encounter with stupid was over for the day, when my cell phone rang.
Shame on me for picking it up. Apparently, stupid had become an epidemic.
"Hi, is this Tracie?"
"Yes, this is sh-"
"I've got an order to get you in for a CT Scan on your neck. We need to get you scheduled."
"Um, well, I'm not-"
"I need to ask you a few questions. What's your insurance ID?"
This was the most abrupt, rude, crotchety old biddy I'd encountered in my life. And if you knew my maternal grandmother, you'd know just how serious a statement that was. I mustered up my 'serious tone'. "Now, wait a minute, who is this-"
"Hold on there, missy." She snapped. Missy!? Did she really just down-talk me? I was rendered silent once again. "I need to ask a few more questions. Do you have any metal in your body such as shrapnel or bullets?"
Umm...really? Last time I checked Colorado Springs wasn't a war zone. And this little "missy" wasn't in the military. "Yes, I have an implant in my lower left mandible. My jawbone."
She heaved an audible sigh as though she'd just been completely inconvenienced. "You're gonna have to hold."
"Well, actually, I...hello?" The sound of streaming hold music plagued my ear. Damn.
"Are you still there?" She didn't wait for my response. "The implant - is it metal or plastic?"
Umm...was this a trick question? "Metal." I replied, making sure to enunciate slowly and clearly.
Another put-out sigh. "Hold again." The music began playing once more before I could interject. She was back on in a moment.
"Is this implant to fix a bone?"
Really? Really? Was I being punked? "Yes, and it's got a fake crown on top of it too."
"Lovely." Did I detect sarcasm? "Any more metal or information you'd like to tell me about?"
Oh there was certainly some things I'd like to tell her about. But since I wasn't even really sure what she was talking about yet, I kept it simple. "I have two piercings on either side of my head, at my ears, that do not come out."
I had just had a MRI a few weeks back and knew that none of the metal posed an issue.
"Are you, " she began in complete frustration as though she was about to make some snide remark, then corrected herself. "I'm going to have to put you on hold again." She snapped.
As I sat waiting, I realized my temper had begun to simmer.
My lovely scheduler returned with her cheerful self. "Just exactly why can't you remove them?" She barked obviously disgusted with me.
I'd had enough. Stupid and rude have a way of gnawing at my skin and quickly replacing my facade of patience with who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are.
"You know what," I began, and when she tried to speak over me, I quickly raised my voice and my attitude to let her know she wasn't going to interrupt me. "I don't know who you are or what's pissed you off so bad, but I'm done with this. And if you are the representation for your company, if someone interviewed you and said, 'I want you for this position', then I definitely want nothing to do with your facility. I will go back to my original imaging place. You have just managed to lose a ton of money for your organization."
"Well, ack," she began and I could envision her rolling her rheumy eyes but I wasn't taking any more of her.
Yeah, I don't think so, I thought as I hung up the phone.
That evening as I sat on the couch, I mused over my ability to handle myself well in the face of cute and stupid as well as crotchety and stupid. Proud, I snuggled in to the sofa as my man clicked through the TV channels. Slowly, I became aware that a message was being displayed instead of actual shows and that it was causing the mood of the man sitting next to me to darken noticeably.
I picked up the phone and dialed our provider, certain that it was something easy to resolve. Silly, silly girl. Once stupid begins, it takes an hearty effort to stop the rate of contagion. It was everywhere. And growing.
The technician gave me some line of BS on how to work around the situation but it wasn't going to provide a remedy and this was definitely not an end-user fault or responsibility.
I asked about what options were going to be available since we were paying for a service that we were not receiving.
"Well, ma'am, " he politely offered, "honestly, they have the ability to change lineup at any time without notification. It's in your contract."
Who was talking about channel lineup? We couldn't get access to the premium channels we were paying for. A giggle escaped me at the stupid response and his smugness. I heard my man chuckle, having overheard the evil in my laugh. This technician had unknowingly just entered in to the Southern woman's web. No getting out now.
I smiled in to the phone. "I'm going to chalk this up to you being a technician and not in customer service and I'm going to request that you have a customer service rep or manager give me a call tomorrow, hon. I know you may not be aware of this so I'm going to help you out." I could hear him shuffle uncomfortably and I hate to admit I got a little joy out of it.
"I am well aware that contractually your company can change channel lineup at any given time without notice; however, to offer a service, take payment for that service and issue a contract for it, then not provide that service or communication about it is not permissible. To do so would be illegal. And you should probably not say that again to any other customers calling in with this issue, as it could create the burden of liability for your company."
The line went silent. I smiled bigger.
"I apologize for that, ma'am. Would you like to speak with a manager?"
"I most certainly would. Thank you."
I waited on the phone thinking this painful study in stupidity had to be over when my next test announced her presence on the line.
I explained my grievance of not being able to access our paid channels, to which she replied: "I do apologize for the inconvenience, but this has come down from the premium channels' headquarters and we were given no notice either. In fact, we were only notified once customers started calling in last week."
And there it was...another slap in the face from the stupid fairy. Would this never end? I stared so long at the channel guide in front of me, that she questioned whether I was still on the line.
"I certainly don't want to come off as offensive," I began, understanding that stupid could be as volatile as a wild animal. "And I can understand your position; however, aren't you a broadcasting and telecommunications company?"
She had no choice but to confirm that.
"And as a digital telecommunications company, don't you have the ability to send out emails, scrolling notifications as well as messages posted on the channel guide notifying your customer base of issues, problems and outages?"
She was silent. Because I was right.
"So you can see where while I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me, I will still hold your company responsible for this, correct?"
In fact, she did. She so understood that she took $60 off our bill over the next 6 months.
And as I lay in bed that night I pondered the experiences I'd endured for the day. Realizing how thankful I was to be on the receiving side of stupid and not the giving. I dozed off wondering if I'd earned enough points to pass this stupid lesson and be exempt for at least the foreseeable future.
